A thought.

Laying on the floor, feeling tears slip into my hair, laughing at my freedom.

I feel...

I feel very alone, right now. But its not all together unpleasant. Eating dinner alone kinda sucked, but I'm getting used to that. I'm not sure why, but it has kicked in right about my normal bed time. I had a late cup of coffee, so I'm up a bit later than normal (It will be 9PM in a few minutes...). 

I think about the things I do, and the things I want to do and accomplish in my life. And how the things I do on a daily basis impact future goals. I'm trying to sort these ideas out, right now, and am not really sure what my goals are. I value daily contentment over most things or treats. I would rather be content on a daily basis, than scrimp for a fabulous vacation once a year. I'm not sure that expresses the feeling accurately, but its pretty close. 

This has been a crazy, hectic, hard year. So far, I was ill, my dad passed, my nephew was burned, I was ill, we got married (yay!), we moved, DH was pulled out of work for medical reasons, and we moved again. And I was ill again. But, the funny part about it, is that my art has made new breakthroughs. I am making quilts, expressive embellished quilts. And I love the medium. I never gave it a chance before, I think. 

My life is hard, my art is better. Funny, that.

I'll get this right, some time

I've had a rough first few days on the diet. I am craving sugar most of all, gluten not so much. Also craving salt a bit. No trouble leaving out the milk (except for a cheetos incident!)

I don't feel down on myself for not doing perfectly this week. Life is a journey... Health is a journey, not a destination. I think I'm fully over my anxiety spell, just in time for a round of hellish headaches. I finally got this one to mostly subside with a dose of coffee and a strong NSAID. I don't like taking the NSAIDs with my stomach surgery, but sometimes I gotta.

The Circle of Life

Coming home today, from a much needed chiropractor appointment, I saw a grasshopper being eaten by ants. Just now, I witnessed a one legged grasshopper jump 3 feet. Go figure, right?

Rockin' on and cooking

I have finally made the decision to get my health in hand, and start a gluten, casein (milk), and sugar free diet. I'm doing the weightloss surgery 5 Day Pouch Test first, and using it to transition into a more structured diet. Right now, I've got stock going, and the chicken from it is seriously delicious. I also have sausage and pumpkin soup on the stove. Here are links to the two recipes:

http://heal-balance-live.blogspot.se/2009/10/chicken-stock.html
http://www.5daypouchtest.com/recipes/days1_2a.html#pumpkin

The Death of John Wrana

I am shocked and appalled. Google John Wrana, go ahead, come back and I'll wait.


....


Disgusting. Depraved. Disillusioned.



[Gross misconduct]
After researching this incident, I believe the police were in the wrong. His death was ruled as a homicide by the medical director, due to the beanbag rounds in the gut. The cops killed an old man. 95. In his chair. With only a cane and shoehorn confirmed as "weapons." Seriously people. This is making me sick to my stomach. Weapons of mass destruction, they arent, but 5-7 policemen in riot gear turned out to eventually shoot him due to a knife being pulled. That the staff insists did not happen. There was no knife found.

[Depraved]
Do I believe the officers targeted him due to his WWII veteran status? No, I do not. Do I believe he was a spirited old man, perhaps going to hurt himself-but no one else? Yes. This means any of us are in danger. Without knowing a man's background, it cannot be expressed as the cause, as some news blog sites are implying.

[Blind]
I am so naive, and I am ill, sick to my stomach at this incident. I cannot imagine (except perhaps with a talent, health, and a throwing knife) how the cops felt compelled to taser the man. What was said as the man was yelling? Why-beyond refusing surgery-should he have died. I can think of no instance in which this death, premature, is justified. Even if in an alternate reality, he died that next day on the operating table, his homicide, murder, man killing man, will not be forgotten.



.....

RIP John Wrana. You deserve it.

No one to share my victory with

Sometimes, being wakeful at 3am is a bad thing. I just finished prepping an order of 3 to ship today, and there is no one awake to share the victory with. I had to force myself into it, and it was hard, but I got it done. Go me.

Thought

Ants swarm the body of a fallen baby bumblebee.

Has the Egg Cracked?

I'm really worried about myself, and not in the detached, clinical way I see most of my symptoms. I am really unhealthy right now, mentally and physically, and am having trouble dealing with life as it happens to be.

If you're going through Hell...

Keep on going.
Don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
you might get out
'fore the devil even knows you're there.



Comfort.

Here we go again....

I have been denying it to myself, but it is undeniable. The hip pain is back. It may be sciatic nerve related. Very painful. I see the pain clinic on Friday, and will see if they can do anything. I need to have imaging done.

Joy, spasm in my lower back.

Pain

I just want... the pain... to end.

How many times have you said this to yourself? I know I repeat the phrase pretty often. If only the pain would let up, if only, if only.

I don't know that I deserve the pain to let up, I don't know that I take well enough care of myself. If I took better care of myself, I wouldn't have these problems.

This is flawed thinking, but I get stuck in loops of it. It is hard to address.

SCD and Gluten Free Links

SCD Lifestyle is the easier of the websites to understand. It talks about all sorts of digestive trouble, and one of the writers has celiacs.

http://www.scdlifestyle.com/
http://breakingtheviciouscycle.info/
http://www.glutenfreesociety.org/

Fibromyalgia's Cruel Take on Sleep

Chronic pain and fatigue are my main symptoms, which, of course the covers a lot of ground, but there are a lot of symptoms! I don't know anyone with fibro who doesn't have trouble sleeping, even though a big part of it is being tired. Its a cruel joke, really. "You're tired, but you can't sleep! No, no, no!" Its hard to say of the sleep issues cause the fatigue, or if the fatigue causes the pain causes the sleep issues. I think sometimes both happen, just depending on the day.

I woke up at 2:45 this morning, in pain all over. I got up and made a cup of decaf, and stretched a bit. I'm still waiting for the pain to subside, though I am feeling a bit better, its not better enough to fall back asleep. This is continuing a cycle that I've had set up for several years now of sleeping in the day and waking up too early in the morning.

ETA: I had a photo shoot yesterday, and was squatting and popping up, hence the hip/thigh pain!

Cleaning Schedule

I've recently, yes, its true, become interested in keeping a clean house. LOL. Not that I was "dirty" before, but I really want my house to be clean now. I'm using primarily Pine-sol (lavender scented!) diluted to clean, with some lysol and things thrown in for kicks. I plan to switch to home made natural cleaners, though, in the near future (aka. when the pine sol is gone!)

Here is what I'm thinking for my cleaning schedule to start:

Daily:
Dishes! (I've got to get better at this!)
Counters in Kitchen, bathrooms
15 minute "once over" on picking up stuff, organizing, etc
Dinner thaw/cook

Weekly:
Monday-Mop hard floors, Deep clean kitchen
Tuesday-Hubs work uniforms, sheets and my laundry
Wednesday-Vacuum carpets, clean bathrooms
Thursday-Pick up all "Piles o' crap"
Friday-play day! yay!
Saturday-Hubs work uniform laundry, finish all laundry
Sunday-Meal planning, shopping for groceries, putting them away, yadda yadda

Monthly-
Baseboards
Fan blades
Dust all furniture

Now I can make a cute print and get this habit going. I guess today I'll mop and clean the kitchen, since it is Monday after all. Laundry days, Fridays and Sundays I can play catch up if I haven't done something the prior day, so there's lots of room left in here for flexibility, which I definitely need.

Feeling Better, Cleaning Checklist, and STILL quitting smoking

I can't believe how much better I'm feeling over all! Good days alternate with bad, which is a lot better than a sorta good day every once in a while. We moved, which is of course the biggest change. Plus I've been very active, and cleaning more the last few weeks. I think the old house was toxic to me, maybe meth, or mold, or both!

I'm getting ready to actually start making some daily goals. Its been a LONG time since I've allowed myself to do this, because bad days were so frequent that there was no way I would get daily things accomplished, now I am pretty sure I can though. I plan to start with a small cleaning checklist, and add to it as I feel even better.

I'm still working on quitting smoking, I haven't given up! I've still got the cravings pretty bad, but I switched off of cigarettes to mini cigars, like swishers or phillies. They are awful looking but taste pretty good, the sweets and strawberry flavors anyway! I am also using an ecigarette. This combo seems to be allowing me to wean off the nicotine without actually smoking cigarettes. Great combo!

Fibromyalgia, Quitting Smoking and Moving!

My fibromyalgia is much better lately, I'm just flat not in as much pain as I was, except when I over-do it. I think moving has had a huge thing to do with it. We were living in an older house that had not been well maintained, and this house is just as old but we have worked hard to get it cleaner, repainting most of the house (trim included!) and just general cleaning. I now am coming to believe that the old place was part of the problem, some kind of toxin or air pollutant in the environment I was in all the time. This would definitely lead to the issues I was having on such a consistent basis, and then feeling better after being away for several days!

I'm also quitting smoking, it is super hard. My therapist said it was harder than quitting heroin!!! I'm doing ok, still no absolutely smoke free days, but I'm getting there. Trying to take it easy in as many ways as possible to keep the grumpies away. Paying attention to what I eat as much as I can, to keep the weight from creeping on! I have been very active, with the move and everything, and trying to keep active as time goes on. This will also help the fibromyalgia.

I wrote Hubs a letter, outlining the reasons and making a contract for myself to quit smoking, for good, once and for all. Health, Hubs, and money are the reasons, I just keep trying to keep those in my head!

Today, I am working on resetting my tablet, as it is running super slow. I finished another quiltie that is lovely, and going to start a new one today!

Fibromyalgia and Moving

Fibromyalgia is not quite helpful when you're trying to move. Today at two points I got to the fatigue level that was painful. I've had bright spots on my cheeks since mid afternoon, which is a good sign that  things in my body are not going well.

I plan to take some comfort items with me, pillows, a blanket, etc, tomorrow so that when I need to rest I can, vs having to rest in a painful position. Today I got the keys, utilities on, etc etc, and my dad started paint prep, with hubs helping him finish it up. Tomorrow I hope to clean and start spackling before dad arrives, have at least one room ready to go for paint. But I just can't push myself to do as much as I was able to in the past. This is a really hard thing for me, but I simply cannot work myself out of commission again this week, it will have consequences-pain, mostly, fatigue for days. I had to rest most of yesterday and the prior day because I guess I packed too much on Sunday. We got a lot accomplished, but the consequence of doing too much was two days' rest. Not good. I need to really be careful.

I did get my hip shots yesterday. The soreness is definitely still present, but the normal ache is mostly gone. It will be interesting to see how I am once the soreness wears off.

Muscle relaxer and bed, that is the rx for tonight!

Moving Day is Coming

We signed a lease on a new house today. I'm very excited about moving and about how the new house will be, but the thought of the process of moving has me scared. I don't have the energy for normal activities, much less something this stressful/tons of work! Yay for us, this will be the first place we've moved together into, and I'm very excited about that.

My tentative plan is to pack my arts/crafts supplies first, then books, then clothes, toiletries etc, then kitchen. These are my main categories of items. For some reason my keepsakes are chunked in with art/craft supplies. Funny how that works.

I have a splitting headache right now. I've done everything I can for it-including having gone to the chiro. Maybe I should go to the pain clinic tomorrow for the headache shots. Just thought of that. Could be a good thing!

Fibromyalgia Pain

I had my appointment at the pain clinic Monday. Apparently I do actually have something wrong with my hips - bursae - and will get cortisone shots in them next week. Good to have part of the pain resolved but there is still just so much of my body that hurts, all the time. I'm kind of at my wits end. Fibromyalgia has got to be one of the most misunderstood and under treated disorders out there. How can someone be in so much pain, and yet, nothing really to be done about it.

The more time that goes by, the more I am convinced that a dramatic lifestyle change is needed. I am thinking about going gfcfsf. Gluten free, casein free, sugar free. I feel like this trio will be incredibly difficult to maintain...but what if it works?